"You ever notice how your phone's battery life is like a metaphor for your social life? It starts off strong, everyone's excited, but by the end of the day, it's…
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"Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50." — Andrew Dice Clay Andrew Dice Clay isn’t just a comedian—he’s…
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"I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You'd bang me, but you wouldn't blog about it. You won't be Twittering "You won't believe who…
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"Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they're so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?" — Alan King. Alan King was the comedian who turned…
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"I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That's a lot of coloring when you think about it." - Adam Sandler Adam Sandler isn’t just any comedian—he’s the…
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Matt Foley ironically talking about how cool living in a van is. "Now, let me tell you why I’m here. I’m 35 years old, I am divorced, and I live…
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"One time I got pulled over. I’ll never forget. The cop asked me, ‘Do you know how fast you were going?’ I said while putting my finger on his mouth…
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"Do you ever think that pumpkins are just like, the slutty orange versions of watermelons?" Bo Burnham is a comedian, musician, and filmmaker who rose to fame through his musical…
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"Have you ever eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards thought, ‘I’m glad I ate that’? It's like a Pop-Tart filled with nasty meat. I love the way it burns…
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"Guys don’t care about your horoscope. If a guy asks you what your sign is, he’s just trying to figure out how to sleep with you. You could say ‘I'm…
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