"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything, which as you know, always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have…
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"I don’t want to lean in, okay? I want to lie down. I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no…
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"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'" Demetri Martin is a comedian, actor, and artist renowned for his unique brand of comedy that combines clever wordplay, visual gags,…
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"In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin." John Mulaney is a stand-up comedian and writer known for his sharp wit and masterful storytelling. A former writer for…
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"I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." - Mitch Hedberg Mitch Hedberg was a comedian like no other.…
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"My friend got into a fight, right? When he got knocked out, I had to act like I was going to help him. The guy who knocked him out, was…
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"The best way to get a guy to like you is to be unavailable. Unfortunately, that’s also the best way to miss his text when he finally decides to ask…
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"Dogs are great because they’re loyal. You can mess up a dog’s life, and they’ll still love you. Cats, on the other hand, they don’t give a damn about you.…
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"They say, 'Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.' But what if he…
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"I wonder what chairs think about all day: 'Oh, here comes another asshole.'" — Robin Williams. Robin Williams’ ability to turn the mundane into the hilarious made him a beloved…
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