"Have you ever eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards thought, ‘I’m glad I ate that’? It's like a Pop-Tart filled with nasty meat. I love the way it burns…
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"Guys don’t care about your horoscope. If a guy asks you what your sign is, he’s just trying to figure out how to sleep with you. You could say ‘I'm…
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"I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything, which as you know, always leads to something, cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have…
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"I don’t want to lean in, okay? I want to lie down. I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no…
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"I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'" Demetri Martin is a comedian, actor, and artist renowned for his unique brand of comedy that combines clever wordplay, visual gags,…
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"In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin." John Mulaney is a stand-up comedian and writer known for his sharp wit and masterful storytelling. A former writer for…
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"I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread." - Mitch Hedberg Mitch Hedberg was a comedian like no other.…
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"My friend got into a fight, right? When he got knocked out, I had to act like I was going to help him. The guy who knocked him out, was…
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"The best way to get a guy to like you is to be unavailable. Unfortunately, that’s also the best way to miss his text when he finally decides to ask…
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"Call Us By Our Name," one of The Bird Comedy Theater's house teams, as they perform an engaging longform improv set at our First Friday show! Watch as these talented…
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